How Adopting an “OK–OK” Mindset Can Transform Workplace Relationships

We’re All Wearing Masks. Here’s How to Take Yours Off… and Help Others Do the Same.

Walk into any office on a Monday morning and watch how people interact. Someone is subtly undermining a colleague’s suggestion. Another sits silently in a Zoom call, camera off, saying nothing. A manager piles on tasks without asking if anyone’s already drowning.

These aren’t personality flaws. More often than not, they’re signals — signs that someone has slipped into a mental stance that psychologists call Not OK. It’s subtle, sometimes even invisible. But it shapes how we speak, how we listen (or don’t), how we lead, and how we follow.

This framework, rooted in decades of psychological research, was first proposed by Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, and later refined by Taibi Kahler, the creator of the Process Communication Model® (PCM). It’s called the OK–Not OK Matrix, and it maps the internal positions we unconsciously take about ourselves and others:

"Are we competent? Are they?" "Do we matter?" "Can they be trusted?"

Source : Kahler Communication France

These questions live under the surface of every interaction. And according to PCM, the only sustainable answer — the one that leads to productive, respectful, even enjoyable collaboration — is “I’m OK – You’re OK.”

It's not about pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not.

It’s a mindset (and a discipline) of seeing yourself and others as fundamentally capable, worthwhile, and deserving of respect.

When you adopt this mindset (genuinely, not performatively), the way you interact with your colleagues begins to shift. Conversations become less about ego and more about shared purpose. Feedback feels less like a threat and more like a tool. Mistakes turn into lessons, not battlegrounds. And most importantly: you stop wearing the psychological “mask” you put on to survive the stress of workplace performance. You start showing up as yourself. And you make it safer for others to do the same.

What Does “I’m OK – You’re OK” Really Mean?

At first glance, the phrase “I’m OK – You’re OK” may sound like the kind of corporate wallpaper you’d find printed on a coffee mug in the HR break room. But beneath its simplicity lies a powerful psychological concept.

Coined by Eric Berne and later redefined by Taibi Kahler in PCM, this phrase refers to a fundamental belief about human worth.

When you operate from an OK–OK position, you hold two parallel truths:

1. I have value. I’m capable, competent, and deserving of respect — even when I mess up.

2. You have value. You, too, are competent, even if we disagree or you fail to meet my expectations.

That’s it. No superiority, no inferiority, no power plays.

But this stance is deceptively rare. In most professional environments, stress, hierarchy, and competition push people into more reactive positions:

• “I’m OK – You’re Not OK”: often masked as confidence, this is the inner critic that says “If only people did things my way.”

• “I’m Not OK – You’re OK”: self-doubt, masked by over-apologizing, people-pleasing, or chronic second-guessing.

• “I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK”: a stance of disengagement or cynicism: “Why bother? It’s all broken anyway.”

These “Not OK” stances lead to miscommunication, burnout, conflict, or silence. When we shift back into OK–OK, we reconnect to clarity, confidence, and trust.

In practical terms, OK–OK is the psychological baseline that allows for:

• Constructive disagreement without personal attacks.

• Honest feedback without defensiveness.

• Requests without guilt.

• Boundaries without blame.

It's something you cultivate, and it starts by noticing the moment you slip out of OK–OK — the moment you start thinking, “They’re an idiot,” or “I need to prove myself,” or “Nobody cares.”

What OK–OK Looks Like at Work (And What It Doesn’t)

It’s one thing to understand “I’m OK – You’re OK” as a concept. It’s another to recognize it in action — or more often, in its absence.

Let’s be honest: most of our workplace behavior is shaped by stress, culture, habit. The way we enter a meeting, respond to criticism, delegate tasks, or receive feedback — all of it reveals where we stand on the OK–Not OK spectrum.

Operating from OK–OK doesn’t mean everyone’s always happy. It means you show up with self-respect and respect for others, at the same time. It’s the posture of someone who knows their value, acknowledges others’ value, and doesn’t need to dominate or disappear in order to protect themselves.

Here is what it looks like:

 

1. You Respect Other People’s Perspectives (Even When They Conflict With Yours)

It’s about acknowledging that other people’s viewpoints have value, even if you don’t share it. From OK–OK, you’re able to say, “I see where you’re coming from” without collapsing into false consensus or charging into intellectual combat.

It sounds like:

• “Help me understand your take on this.”

• “I have a different view. Can we explore both?”

Contrast this with OK–Not OK, which says: “If you disagree with me, you’re probably wrong.”

2. You’re Assertive — Not Passive, Not Aggressive

Assertiveness means stating what you need or believe without trampling others — and without apologizing for your presence.

You might say:

• “Here’s what I need from this project.”

• “I can’t take that on right now, but let’s look at options.”

From OK–Not OK positions, the same situations devolve into avoidance (“Sure, I’ll do it” when you can’t) or dominance (“This is non-negotiable — just do it.”). One avoids conflict at all costs; the other invites it unnecessarily.

3. You Allow Mistakes — Yours or Theirs

When a colleague misses a deadline or you make a misstep in front of a client, the OK–OK stance keeps it objective. It sees failure as part of the process, not a verdict on someone’s worth.

It sounds like:

• “We didn’t hit the mark. What do we need to shift for next time?”

• “This didn’t land the way I hoped. Let me rework it.”

Outside of OK–OK, people spiral into shame or blame. From Not OK–You’re OK, someone might over-apologize and catastrophize. From OK – You’re Not OK, someone might start pointing fingers or writing people off as unreliable.

4. You Notice When You’re Wearing a Mask — And Take It Off

Every personality type, especially under stress, has a go-to defense. Some retreat into perfectionism. Others get righteous, or manipulative. These are not flaws — they’re masks: protective layers we wear when we’re not feeling safe.

The danger? Masks attract masks. Your passive-aggression might invite someone else’s silence. Your control may provoke defiance. It becomes a dance of defensiveness.

Operating from OK–OK means recognizing your own mask the moment it starts to slide on.

It means asking yourself:

• “Am I reacting from fear or from clarity?”

• “Am I trying to prove something — or connect with someone?

In short, OK–OK is the most grown-up posture you can take in a workplace. And yes — it requires practice. But once you start spotting the shifts in yourself and others, you can begin to guide your teams (and your own internal compass) back to steady ground.

What Actually Changes When You Work From OK–OK

Most team-building initiatives never get to this level. They focus on productivity hacks, personality tests, or leadership slogans — and miss the invisible mechanics of trust.

Because here’s the truth: the biggest shifts in workplace culture don’t come from changing strategy. They come from changing stance.

When individuals — especially leaders — begin operating from a genuine “I’m OK – You’re OK” mindset, the ripple effects are immediate and measurable. Here’s what actually changes:

• Meetings become more productive.

• Feedback becomes easier to give and to receive.

• Conflicts get addressed early, with less drama.

• You feel energized, not drained, after interactions.

• People feel seen, heard, and respected (including you).

It Starts With You

If you’re waiting for your boss to “go OK–OK,” or for your colleague to drop the sarcasm first, you’ve missed the point.

The power of the OK–OK stance is that it doesn’t depend on anyone else getting there first. It starts with you.

Not with a grand transformation. Not with a weeklong retreat. But with what happens in the first five seconds of any interaction.

• Someone challenges your idea in a meeting. Do you clench up and prepare a rebuttal? Or do you breathe and ask a clarifying question?

• Your direct report misses a deadline. Do you fire off a corrective message? Or do you start with: “What happened?” and listen to the answer?

This is what leadership actually looks like. It doesn’t need a title. It just needs someone to choose to be OK, and to treat others like they are too, even when they’re stressed, or messy, or wrong (especially then).